Fwd: Archaeologists Unearth "Ooga!" Document

[Richard Chonak]

A silly parody:

------- Forwarded Message

  Written by Dave Finton on November 12, 1998
  from the reinventing-the-wheel dept.

  It was made public today that a 30,000 year old stone tablet titled the
  "Ooga!" Document had been unearthed along with many other stone
  tablets from the same era. The Ooga! Document outlines the plans of
  the then-powerful corporation known as MoogaSooga (to be referred
  in this article as MS) to challenge and undermine the then-growing
  hobbyist wheel-making industry. MS at that time owned a virtual
  monopoly on wheel production, and consumers of that era were
  clamoring for alternatives to the MS Wheel. 

  The stone tablet was leaked to one such wheel-making hobbyist
  referred to as "Eega S. Rooga", or ESR for short. The tablet outlines
  and researches a wheel-making method where wheel-makers share
  ideas and contribute their work to make better wheels, and create
  better tools from those wheels. The tablet also outlines possible
  actions that MS could take against the wheel-making hobbyists in
  order to maintain its market share. 

  The document, authored by MS employee and wheel expert Vooga
  Voogavoogavoogavooga, talks about the process by how these new
  wheels were made, and how much better the hobbyists' wheels were
  than MS's own commercial wheel. 

  The MS Wheel was a large unwieldy structure approximately 30 feet
  tall. Users of the wheel would have to climb on top of the wheel and
  have 75 people behind him or her push the wheel down the hill. The
  MS Wheel was prone to stalling in mid-transit, causing the
  passenger to be flung off the top of the wheel to his death on the
  ground below. In worst case scenarios the MS Wheels were also
  known to veer off course, often into crowded villages where
  everyone in the wheel's path would be run down, causing a lot of
  damage and heartache. In addition to all this the wheel would often
  break apart into several pieces whenever it hit even the slightest
  bump. Of course once the wheel reached a valley or the bottom of
  the hill, it would be impossible to push it back up the hill again
  because it was way too heavy. Thus, users of the MS Wheel were
  often forced to "upgrade" to a new wheel, most likely even larger
  and less stable than the previous one. 

  Despite these and other problems, the MS Wheel was immensely
  popular. However, it sparked a populist movement by amateur wheel
  makers to share ideas and come up with a better solution. 

  In the "Ooga!" Tablet, Vooga says, "After trying out these hobbyists'
  wheels, I am surprised to learn that their quality surpasses the quality
  of commercial-grade wheels, particularly the MS Wheel." He goes
  on to say, "These wheels are only a couple of feet in diameter,
  weigh only 30 pounds, and are much sturdier than our heavyweight
  counterparts. Even worse, the hobbyists are using these wheels to
  create even more complicated yet useful structures, such as carts
  and wagons. Our wheels couldn't even hope to compete in that
  market!" 

  In one of the other stone tablets found during the dig, a pundit and
  long-time MS supporter named Jooba Berst wrote down "These new
  wheels will never be taken seriously in the marketplace. Who are
  you going to sue or hold accountable when the wheel breaks down
  and kills several hundred villagers-- woah WOAH--
  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *THUD*! 

  Vooga himself refuted those claims within the "Ooga!" Document
  itself: "Since these wheels are small, the chances of them running
  over and killing helpless villagers are extremely low. In addition to
  this, the wheels are skinny enough to allow what is known as
  'steering' to avoid veering off course to begin with. And in the
  unlikely possibility of a wheel breakdown, the wheel can be easily
  fixed or replaced with a new one relatively cheaply." 

  Since MS was a large and powerful corporation, surely it must have
  had some kind of strategy against the hobbyist wheel-makers.
  Indeed, Vooga stated, "These hobbyists are unabashedly
  cream-skimming the best features of MS Wheel, such as the fact that
  it is round and is capable of rolling down hills." The solution? "The
  possibilities of clubbing the hobbyists to death or simply stealing their
  wheels have yet to be looked at." 



------- End of Forwarded Message



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